Tofu Talk: It’s more than you think

Well, as you can see, I’m a white, slimy block. But I have depth, you know. I’m the strongest of my crew-extra firm, baby! But I’m soft around the edges, too, showing my sensitive side (*winks*). I usually end up being cubed-god, knives are terrifying-but I like to see it as making a bunch of cute babies. I mean who doesn’t love a little hunk o’ chunk? So, yeah, I think I’m pretty lovable, like the Pillsbury Doughboy of meat alternatives, but I see people shudder when they look at me. They just don’t see my potential. Hmph!

What’s it like sitting in a plastic bathtub of murky water all the time?

It ain’t so bad. Actually, it’s quite nice! Think of it as the Soybean Spa. It’s like a therapeutic soak, but you don’t get pruney fingers. Plus, you know where the water came from you so it’s not like being at the community pool and coming across the dreaded warm spot. Gross! Nah, this plastic tub of mine is pretty nice (*assumes a lounging position*).

What’s it like to be baked?

Ah, yes! So, the plastic tub is the spa and the baking sheet is the tanning bed. Who knew tofu was so self-indulgent, huh? Lying in the warmth of the oven is the equivalent of you humans lying in the sun-it just feels nice. I actively choose not to entertain the parallels with the Hansel and Gretel tale-yikes. Being fried, though, is not…