Taking a leap of faith

Uncertainty. It’s innately uncomfortable. It makes me restless, yet stagnant: a catch 22. And here I am willingly choosing uncertainty — quitting my job without a new job lined up, in the midst of a pandemic, when unemployment is high, and the economy is badly hit — to search for something that brings me joy.

I do take some pride in being brave enough to call it quits so that I can create space for a better thing, but of course it’s not easy. A friend said it like this: it can be scary to give up an okay thing in search of a great thing. And that’s exactly it. It’s hard to leave behind something that’s okay — it’s not terrible enough to storm out of but not great enough to love — for something you’re passionate about, even if you’re not sure what that is yet. And that uncertainty of not yet knowing your niche, the thing that you could do every day and be happy about it, the thing that makes you feel alive, can be quite hard to sit with.

I’m not convinced that I have a calling, and I think most people could say that. Why is it that we (or at least I) envy the people that have always known what they want to do since they were a child, or found a way to make their childhood passions into a living? When I think about what I enjoyed doing as a child, I think of soccer and coloring. And while I did dream that I would become a professional soccer player one day, I have obviously accepted that this kind of dream is only a dream, the kind that you’re okay letting go. Nor will I make a living of coloring, as good as I am at staying in the lines and…